The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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