I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
