it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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