White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
