The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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