ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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