She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
we're so committed to being not committed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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