whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
