I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
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Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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