Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
