I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
