did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
