and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
