I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
