put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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