Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Randomize
