I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
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i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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