I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Jerry, you need to find god
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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