Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
