This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
