Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
