I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
