Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
