dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
