I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
