He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
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You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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