so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
