her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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