Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
