help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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