So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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