Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
