God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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