I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
