I cannot find my penis.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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