update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
