Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
