I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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