You smell like stripper and shame
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
