When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
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School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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