Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
