p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
