Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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