i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
