Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
