Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
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She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
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OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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