New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
