How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
