brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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