You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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