i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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