I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
