The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
