Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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