You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
