You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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