I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
