mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
